Waiting (Save Your Life)

Title Waiting (Save Your Life)
Rating PG-13

Some words should never be said. Things said in the heat of the moment, in anger. Words that cut deeper than any knife. He knew that, always had. Never say anything you'll regret later when there's a good chance there won't *be* a later.

And yet knowing that hadn't stopped him. And now he couldn't take it back. It was too late.

"You walk out that door, boy, you better be damn sure you want it closed behind you."

The words echoed round his mind still. He'd've given anything not to have said them because once they were out there they had severed the final cord between them. He'd driven away his youngest son. If John couldn't take back his words, there was little chance of Sam doing it either. Sam, whose pride was almost a match for his own.

"Don't worry, I'm going. I'm getting out – away from you and your pathetic crusade. Mom's gone, don't you think it's time you got used to that, 'stead of dragging us all over the country trying to, what, bring her back? You want to get yourself killed fine, just don't think I'm gonna come along for the ride."

But Sam was wrong. John Winchester may have been a lot of things - but a fool wasn't one of them. Mary *was* gone, nothing he did would bring her back, but how could anyone turn their back on what was out there once they'd seen it? All of them had looked evil square in the eye. Until now none of them had flinched.

He knew he hadn't been fair to his boys; he hadn't given them the life they should have had. The life which they *would* have had if Mary was still alive. But he'd kept them safe, the only way he knew how. They knew what was out there, he'd made damn sure of that, and he'd taught them how to defend themselves against everything he could.

They'd been a team, a unit. Now Sam was A.W.O.L. and John couldn't keep him safe.

Even if he could take back the words, he knew Sam would never listen, wouldn't come back. Would never ever be safe again.

John had lost more in his life than any man should. He had driven away the people closest to him, he'd told himself it was to keep them safe. But not his boys. The only way he knew to keep them safe was to keep them close – too close. So now he waited in the dark, knowing he should reach out, should he should be the one to break the stalemate, but finding himself incapable.

Here he was, and here he'd be as often as he could. The Honda he'd borrowed from Bobby, because it was the only one in the yard that he wouldn't be seen dead in, parked outside the campus house Sam was sharing with a cute blonde.

Something was coming, he could feel it, and it scared him to know that on his own Sam was a target, no matter how capable the boy was. So John waited, for something intangible. So that he would be here when he had to be. To keep Sam safe, even if he didn't realise it.

So he waited, picking at the wounds left by angry words. Wounds that would never heal.